Dear PeTA, Thanks for the advice. I couldn’t have killed those animals without you!!

September 1, 2009

The other night I was outside smoking a cigarette and I noticed something over by the bedroom window crawling around in and out of things. Well this is Florida so I figured it was just a lizard or frog or whatever. A few days passed by without incident, then I saw it.  A fucking rat/mouse whatever, darted out from nowhere. I was filled with disgust. How could this be? My place is clean, the kind of clean that Adderall makes you obsess about. All I knew was this fucker had to die.

I went out and bought mouse traps, feeling completely ashamed, hoping that the cashier would think I was using them for a prank or science project. I put them out but all that would happen was the trap would go off  little bastard would run away after eating the peanut butter. This was not acceptable. Those are the same fucking things that caused the plague and I’m sure as hell dying from that. This must be dealt with swiftly and with a fist made of so much iron that all of nature would fear me. But what to do? How do you torture a rat or make them die the worst, most painful death possible? Furthermore, can you even send the message of a brutal dictator to a rodent?

The next few days, I tried traps, poison, I even constructed a gas chamber that knocked a cup of bleach into a cup of ammonia and trapped the fucking thing but I got nothing. Then it came to me, “I should ask PETA the most humane way to deal with this.” I emailed them around 5pm and was shocked at the turn around time. I mean like in two minutes they were begging me to use a live trap and set it free in the wild. What came next is exactly what I wanted and why I emailed them in the first place. (I’m shady and amazing at tricking people like that.) “Whatever you do, don’t feed them anything that is carbonated!! Rats don’t have the ability to burp and their insides will burst”  I rushed out immediately and bought Pop-Rocks, Alka Seltzer and soda candy. That night I mixed all that stuff together with some peanut butter and some tiny pieces of broken glass for good measure. The next morning I found three dead bloody rats and haven’t seen another one since.

Thank you PETA!!! I couldn’t have killed them without you!!



  1. Wow…your a fucking asshole….nice work 🙂

  2. you’re

    • Thank you for the “you’re”.. I’m getting so sick of people who can’t spell.

      …And that was an awesome story! My two favorite parts of the story:

      “I even constructed a gas chamber that knocked a cup of bleach into a cup of ammonia and trapped the fucking thing but I got nothing.”

      “I rushed out immediately and bought Pop-Rocks, Alka Seltzer and soda candy. That night I mixed all that stuff together with some peanut butter and some tiny pieces of broken glass for good measure.”

      ROFL.. Thanks for the laugh!

    • Yore

    • fake, rats burp and do not explode via carbonation

      • It’s not fake, you moron. Try doing some research. I own a pet rat, they can’t burp and they can’t vomit, either.

  3. I wish I knew who you are in real life! This is an awesome story and I would laugh with you and then buy you a beer as you tell the story to the barkeep.

    I once lived in a house that had a raccoon tearing though it every night. I daydreamed about all kinds of nasty ways to end it’s life. I like your gas chamber btw. I never thought of that but I must say it is an interesting way to off something!

  4. I think your a terrible person. Live in peace with nature. They haven’t hurt you in any way. Your other blogs aren’t funny either, you shouldn’t habour so much hate

    • Sara,

      Rats carry parasites that can be deadly to humans, so when you say they haven’t hurt you, you sound ignorant.

      Rats have been the scourge of humanity for as long as we have written history.

      They may be fine outside in fields, but around humans, they leave their filth everywhere, and carry disease and death carrying lice.

      Try to learn a little from the historical plagues so you don’t come across as someone without an education.

      • Richard,

        Humans carry parasites that can be deadly to humans, so when you say they haven’t hurt you, you sound ignorant.

        Humans have been the scourge of humanity for as long as we have written history.

        They may be fine outside in fields, but around humans, they leave their filth everywhere, and carry disease and death carrying lice.

        Try to learn a little from the historical plagues so you don’t come across as someone without an education.

      • Richard,

        I think you will find it is probably you that is in need of education. Not only do you come across as arrogant but ignorant as well. So well done.

      • What about that cute little squirrel you throw peanuts too? They carry just as many diseases as rats, that’s why I make sure to hit as many as I can while driving.

      • Richard,

        A) Kinda, sorta wrong. http://www.cracked.com/article_17481_5-most-hated-creatures-on-planet-dont-deserve-it.html

        B) One needn’t torture an animal to death to remove any real or imagined capacity for spreading disease. That live trap that PETA mentioned? Gets the job done, doesn’t indicate that you’re a potential serial killer. http://www.parliament.nsw.gov.au/prod/PARLMENT/hansart.nsf/V3Key/LC20001011042

      • Plague facts for those of you who do not read

        * Plague is a bacterial disease of rodents that can be spread to humans and other animals by infected fleas.
        * Plague has three forms: bubonic plague (infection of the lymph glands), septicemia plague (infection of the blood), and pneumonic plague (infection of the lungs). Pneumonic plague can spread from person to person.
        * People can get plague: by the bites of infected fleas; by direct contact with the tissues or body fluids of a plague-infected animal; by inhaling infectious airborne droplets from persons or animals with plague pneumonia; or by laboratory exposure to plague bacteria.
        * Plague is treatable with antibiotics if detected early.
        * Prevention consists of controlling rodent fleas, educating the public and the medical community in places where plague occurs, and using preventive medicines and vaccines as appropriate.


    • Sara is not educated, her spelling sucks as well.

    • you’re

    • Sara,

      It is not “I think your a terrible person”, it is “I think you’re a terrible person”. To avoid confusion, just keep it simple and say “I think you are a terrible person”

      Hope this helps.

  5. GENIUS! My boyfriend has a rat problem in his kitchen, I think he is going to try this.

  6. Excellent advice. Deliver a carbonated payload. It saves you from having to put poison in the house, which is dangerous on so many levels and apparently it does the trick quite nicely. And it’s cheap to boot.

    Very good to know.

  7. that is the best story i’ve read in a long time. Thank you.

  8. Brilliant bit of applied psychology there. Cheers!

  9. Carbonated liquids? Hmm, I’ll have to keep that in mind, in case any little furry bastards invade my apartment.

    PeTA comes through again.

  10. You’re

  11. .

  12. That’s fucking awesome.

  13. You are awesome. Brilliant. Peta is painfully hypocritical anyway. They slaughter far more animals than they save.

  14. you should skin them to make a hat or fur handkerchief, and when you wear or use it – people will ask where you got it from, you can tell them you killed a wolverine or something, women will be impressed.

  15. Ha ha ha ha.:)

  16. Wow. Thanks for the advise, PeTA. And you! God damn rats. Never knew this tip.

  17. Awesome!

  18. I can’t tell which makes you look like more of an oaf, the fact that you think you can still get the plague, or the fact that you run from a rat when you initially see it and then let pop rocks kill it when you’re not around. You’re quite the douche bag.

  19. well played!

  20. well played

  21. Good job man seriously, I’m from South Florida and I’ve seen a few *big* rodents down here. Those things are nothing but trouble, good for you.

  22. Awesome.

  23. Victory is all yours 😀

  24. You kick ass!!!!! Show those fucking rodents whats up!

  25. Wow…thats fracken brilliant…..i hate using traps and poisong….the carbonate thing is just brilliant. thank you and thanks PETA ^_^

  26. You’re a douche.

  27. FTW

  28. wait.. mice…can’t… burp… buy … poprocks.

    Ok, all done!

    Thank you!!!

    Can you post a sketch of the ammonia/bleach rat trap?
    Maybe some blueprints if it ain’t much to ask?

  29. Haha! I love it.

  30. PETA delivers with nice ideas once again…

  31. Nice blog entries, all of them, I totally get the sarcasim of it all. Try finding this on reddit, people are waaay to serious. Keep up the good work. You made my day!!!!!!!!!:)

    • Way to go! Front page story on Reddit!

  32. […] Dear PeTA, Thanks for the advice. I couldn’t have killed those animals without you!! « He can't b… hecantbeserious.wordpress.com/2009/09/01/dear-peta-thanks-for-the-advice-i-couldnt-have-killed-those-animals-without-you – view page – cached #RSS 2.0 He can't be serious? » Dear PeTA, Thanks for the advice. I couldn’t have killed those animals without you!! Comments Feed He can't be serious? So you stumbled upon this? “HEY!!! Do yo know how long it takes for that to decompose?” — From the page […]

  33. could’ve bought a cat

    • Yeah, but then he’d have to find a way to get rid of it.

  34. Noted and remembered for times to come!

  35. Urban myth. Rodents have no trouble expelling gas from their stomachs the same way we do.

    Cute story, though.

  36. Only one problem, rats can burp. I call this as totall fabrication. A work of fiction.

  37. […] This post was Twitted by ziadt […]

  38. Seems pretty logical to me dude!


  39. maybe we should stick a bunch of carbonationy stuff in you, with shards of glass for good measure, and stick a cork in so you can’t burp. How’d you like that?

  40. Peta lost all credibility. electronic cigarettes

  41. Let’s see… bubonic plague is still possible, there is also the hanta virus…
    Screw PETA, rats and mice are like mosquitoes, kill ’em all!

  42. My now ex-girlfriend had a groundhog living under the shed by her back door and the sucker would like, come out looking for food once in a while. We could’t shoot it as we’re in the city..and we really didn’t have any traps….so I mixed some alka-seltzer with peanut-butter and sat it out. Sadly, it died under the shed and I had to fish it out after it started stinkin up the place….but it helped.

    There was some kind of thing involving a bunch of Peta nuts in town..so a bunch of friends and I made signs that said people eating tasty animals and sat in plan view of them and started feasting on burgers, ribs, steaks…it was great.

  43. […] out how this guy uses PETA’s advice on how to humanely rid himself of […]

  44. Cool story bro.

  45. LOL I LOVE IT! I’ve posted quite a few blogs about PETA on my own site and I’ve gotten tons of replies, equally from lovers and haters of PETA. THIS is gold! I’m going to link to it if you don’t mind, just to keep the PETA drones busy at their cult meetings.
    Then I’m going to get some pop rocks and peanut butter 🙂
    And don’t you just love the spelling concerns? LOL

  46. If you ever hurt yourself in an accident, please post pictures. I’ll have my laugh then.

  47. Haha, broken glass

  48. […] PDRTJS_settings_337763_post_19 = { "id" : "337763", "unique_id" : "wp-post-19", "title" : "Dear+PeTA%2C+Thanks+for+the+advice%21+Negative+comments+must+get+a+reply", "item_id" : "_post_19", "permalink" : "http%3A%2F%2Fhecantbeserious.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F09%2F02%2Fdear-peta-thanks-for-the-advice-negative-comments-must-get-a-reply%2F" } Comments in Red Response in Blue   Im knot inkluding the coments that conteined the punctation and spelling errars corrections. Those people rilly got they’re shit together.   Submitted on 2009/09/01 at 7:18am […]

  49. totally hilarious, good idea too, all u rat lovers stfu!

  50. and btw Feeding

    Rodents can consume about 10 percent of their body weight in food every day. Mice are omnivorous, which means they will eat both plant and animal food. The standard mouse fare is a lab block feed, which you can buy at your local pet store. This kibble is a good source of nutrients and will also wear down your pet’s teeth. You can also give your mouse green leafy vegetables (good sources of vitamins) and some fruit, though the staple of their diets should be some sort of pellet food. Grains are also good food for mice: give them bran, corn, uncooked oatmeal, rice and wheat but do not give them sweetened cereals.

    Remember, your mouse is not capable of vomiting or burping, so you must never give him carbonated beverages. Sticky foods, like peanut butter off a spoon, toffees, or fruit candies, can also get your mouse into trouble.


  51. We get seagulls swarming out bait buckets and try to take bites out of our catches all the time when we hit up the cape. we bring a bag of cheetos and some alka seltzers, cut them into 4 peices and stick a peice into about a half a cheeto, they’ll grab em and fly off and just suddenly divebomb the water after they pop and die. FUCK pests and FUCK all you animal loving peta bastards. If an annoying little peice of shit like a rat, or a mouse, or an ant, or bee, or seagull, or w/e is pissing you off it’s fair game. just like a bear or a lion or an elephant or a hippo or w/e would see you as if you were being an annoying little shit running around it. it’s called Natue, not human nature.. if this fucker invades your property, or if no tree hugging faggot is watching you with a walkytalky, do w/e the fuck you want to w/e type of animal fucks with you. one time i had a shrew, or a mole or something running around my walls with a family, SHITTING on my floor while i was gone for the day, being so bold as leaving SHIT in my fucking bed. what’d i do to that fucker? i left a bunch of those sticky box traps (w/e they are) the things meant for bugs i guess, they set foot on the sticky shit and can’t get out, well these rodants in my house were tearing their limbs off to get out, so i was being more vigilant when i heard things scurrying in my house, i caught one of the bastards in the trap trying to rip it’s leg off, quickly ran to the bathtub and tossed it in as it shrieked from the impact, stuck it in a jar, filled it with water almost to the bring and capped it off, he had maybe 5mins of air, tossed the jar near the heating vent that i suspected being one of their ways in, and left it there til it died, then tossed it outside. those fuckers stopped showing up, i was hoping maybe it had babies that were depending on it to bring food back to them and the little bastards dropped dead from starvation. so i say to all you fucking tree huggers, FUCK OFF pests are pests, wether you want to keep them as pets or not, they’re fucking disgusting and you are disgusting for owning one and caring for it.

  52. From the top of the food-chain: I salute you! Well done!!

    Rats and Mice who want human food can get it the way anyone else can, by working for it. I got some positions open in our pharmaceutical departement, involving some new drugs.

  53. This story is so full of shit

  54. Very nice site!

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